USE IT OR LOSE IT
Day 1 Diary, His concluding words were echoing in my ears throughout the weekend ‘the only regret I have is I did not do this earlier’, but i’m asking myself why do I have to do this at all ? when I hear test tube baby or In-vitro fertilization, the picture that comes to my mind is a middle aged woman who has done every fertility test in this world and has patronized every gynaecologist in town to no avail. I have always thought it’s something resorted to after every other thing has been tried but still no conception. I am just thirty eight years old for crying out loud. I don’t look old, I don’t feel old , I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I go to the gym to work out (not to flaunt my goodies as I see ladies doing nowadays) three times a week, health wise, I am perfect! Apparently my ovaries do not share my sentiments, the biological clock is ticking faster than I anticipated. All my enquiries to know why my ovaries should age faster met with the same response “we really do not know”. And as someone in my support group said “it is an irreversible process but for some women it happens earlier than others”. Clara said “with a woman, you either use it or lose it” and she said another thing that made sense “at times in infertility, the question is not what is the cause of the problem? but what is the solution to the problem?” But how can I know the solution if I don’t know the problem? No matter what i do the decline in egg reserve continues. Oh my God! this is the ultimate race against time!
Day 2 We are seeing the counsellor again today. I hope I am not seeing miss horn rimmed glasses again today, I need a break. The last thing I need is someone to remind me of my secondary school principal. Talking about her she was got married in her early forties and had a set of twins at forty four. My elder sister had to go for a tubal ligation last year after she had her fifth child at forty three. Nobody in my family has ever had to deal with fertility issues before so why me?! More importantly, why do I need to see the counselor? How will that help me to achieve conception or lessen the pain in my heart? At times I have a feeling these things are done out of lack of something better to do. Maybe my breakdown on learning about the reduced ovarian reserve informed the decision for me to see the counselor again. Do they think I am mentally unbalanced??? Well, at times I wish I was, the kind of thoughts that come to my mind, the kind of pressure that I am under every day. Seeing so many people taking their kids to school, at work the nursing mothers can go off by 3.00 pm while the rest of us will have to wait till 4.30pm in the church there is the nursing women’s section. Every where I turn, there is a reminder of my inadequacy, my incompleteness and dare I say my helplessness. All these considered, i am surprised I am still sane. A million miss horn rimmed glasses and a million and one counseling sessions can not do anything about that. I started crying again as I motioned Femi to the door. Am out of here.
Day 3 I cried myself to sleep again in Femi’s arms, it felt good to be special to someone so caring. My mood was cheered up by a big fat positive for lagos mama, she was the longest serving member on my online support group she has had twelve in-vitro fertilizations, and this was her second positive, the first one ended in a miscarriage at about nine weeks. I called to congratulate her. She just said a phrase that was loaded with meaning “it was worth it”. I got wondering and asked her what she meant by that phrase. He response was “when you desire something so much and have had to clip your budget in indescribable ways to in order to save towards it, then you will know what I am talking about”. Wendy, she said “it is better described than experienced. I am grateful for everyone for their support and prayers through this trying period of our lives. But honestly if anything happens to this pregnancy, my life has to go on, I have gone too far to turn back now.
Day 4 Anayo called to say he wanted to come over with his wife and say hello, this evening. I am really not sure I am ready for this entertaining people but on second thoughts, these are lovely people from what I hear from my husband. For him to want us to give it a consideration, I know he must have his reasons. Femi is a great guy really. I remember that after our third year of waiting he stopped inviting other couples who are either pregnant or with children from visiting us. The visit would wreck my evening and at least one or two other days. The pain was too much for me to bear. Shortly after this I noticed him being unnecessarily on edge and taking phone calls in hushed tones, then he would excuse himself on the pretext he wanted to get something down the road. He would come back after some time with a guilty look on his face avoiding to look me in the eye. I knew he was seeing someone but I just couldn’t care less. I had too much on my plate than bothering with a philandering husband. But that is so unlike Femi, but people do things under pressure but no matter the pressure he is on I am under it too that has not forced me to sleep around. Coming from the salon one evening, I saw his car beside a familiar looking vehicle “what is Femi doing here”? I ventured to ask as I parked and went in to see for myself. Wendy !!!!! somebody screamed it was Bukky, Femi’s sister , “Did not know you will be joining us Femi said you were not around”. “I came back earlier than planned”, I managed to mumble. I caught him in the play pen carrying his twin nephews piggy back style. The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. Back home I asked “why?” I saw a tear drop from his eye as he looked away. “The turmoil you go through each time we have guests with children made me devise a way whereby I could attend to them without exposing you to the pain. I was just trying to protect you”. I think it was my distrust that hurt him more than anything.
Day 5 I should not have bothered about entertaining Anayo and his wife, they didn’t need any entertaining they felt right at home. It seemed we had known each other for years by the way we interacted. He was a healthy looking guy with his whole life ahead of him. Why should he have testicular cancer or any other cancer at that? Amaka was a lovely woman, she loves this guy to bits cancer and all. Nice career, nice bank accounts, nice couple , you can’t have it all can you ? thank God it is Friday.