DIARY OF AN EXPECTING WOMAN : Morsels from the innermost secrets of an expecting woman.

WEEK1: THE PARTING OF THE RED SEA….AGAIN

Day 1.The red sea parted yesterday……..again, I could not tell Femi but I guess he probably knows anyway, I am one of those women who at that particular time of the month pimples appear on our faces. So my cycle can be read by all and sundry. Naturally,I started snapping at every little thing. So if he didn’t know before ,now he does. He misplaced the remote controller of the television and I needed to change the channel, there was an advertisement on pampers,it had too many smiling women with happy babies for my liking, I just couldn’t bear to watch it . Most women do without a second thought, they propably would not even notice that detail but not me. Not when i want a baby so badly. I vented my anger on my poor husband and he scampered away. Why does he do that ? May be I would have felt better if he stood up to me at times and snaps back but as usual he didn’t and that made it even worse. Diary, i don’t even know what to do at this point I just feel like walking away and not coming back , just walking away from it all. But where would I go at thirty eight ? as they say “ too old to start all over, too young to call it quits “

Day 2. Diary, I just feel trapped and helpless and nobody understands. Yes they say they do but they have not been through what I have been through? How can they understand how I feel ? All of them are just hypocrites how can someone who has never tasted bananas before describe its taste???? Or coconut or oranges or apples????? Talking about apples Femi just got me this nice phone from apple last week , he really means well and I am blessed having such an understanding husband but he really needs to talk about this fertility thing more. He just keeps everything bottled up. At least I have you dear diary to talk to and share my pains.

Day 3. Tried to familiarize myself with the functions on the new phone most of yesterday, it’s a computer all by itself . I just stumbled on an online support group for couples with fertility issues. At least they will understand where I am coming from. I soon noticed that finding a support group of any kind based in Nigeria is like looking for a needle in the proverbial hay stack , there is practically none!!!!! So how do Nigerian couples cope??? The few Nigerian based support groups are dominated by people from other countries, the few naija couples just siddon look, we practically do not make comments or share our burdens there. Most of the people commenting are from a different socio-cultural environment and we really can not relate on the same frequency. Their issues are different from ours. Combating with infertility is bad enough, bad roads , bad power supply, bad network, bad luck…. Not to say bad in laws.

Day 4. The women on my online support group are from many different of countries on all the continents but as i was quick to discover, women with fertility issues are the same everywhere. A young woman from Tinidad and Tobago posted “I feel like running away from home , how will I explain to my husband that I have flowed again after the getting the ovulation prediction right for the third consecutive time” She sounded like any Nigerian woman with infertility . Our fears are the same the concerns, the anxieties all building up to that special time of the month and and if it hadn’t happened ……….the eventual parting of the red sea and the cycle starts all over again how long can someone survive this . After a while I stopped keeping track of my menstrual flow, my life should not be built round an area that is less than 5% of my total body surface area or ……………….should it?

Day 5 . I had that odd dream again today…I dreamt of a positive pregnancy test, I dreaded seeing this in my university days now I would give anything for it. A red line on a silly fold of plastic that I had just dipped in my urine. For most people that was not worth dreaming about but not me. I would give everything to have the Big Fat Positive or BFP as they call it on my online support group. Any way I am grateful I am alive and thank God its Friday . Maybe after our outing today I will tell Femi to lets go to see that new gynae every body is talking about. He called me from work to say we should go for Chinese at a restaurant near the beach the same beach we went on our first date… now talking about that first date … what if I hadn’t started seeing him? what if I hadn’t married him? may be I would not be in this mess? but then maybe I would. No one can tell, any way lets thank God its Friday we’ll take it from there.

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